Did cancer dissolve my passion for things or take away my FOMO so much that I’ve become boring?
It’s a question I find myself asking repeatedly. I feel like I used to have such passion for new things. Creativity would lead me down so many different paths. Lately and admittedly, as I’ve gotten older, the idea of starting a new hobby seems so complicated. There are so many things that I would love to do, artistically, musically, etc. that I know I would love to pursue, but what happens if I lose interest. I’m not the same young kid, trying to figure out my passions in life. I’m a grown adult man, trying to find something to help me feel fulfilled.
Glassblowing is a great example. I took a class, enjoyed it, but also realized that my neuropathy wouldn’t allow me to rotate the punty properly and so that was that. Music production is something I would love to get back into, but there just isn’t enough room to set up the equipment.
I will say that recently I’ve been making an effort to go see some concerts that I really want to attend. Regardless of the type of music or whether or not someone wants to come with me. The FOMO (fear of missing out) has dissipated so much from my life, that sometimes it has an adverse effect. Instead of feeling the motivation to attend something because I’m afraid of what I’ll miss, I feel the extreme opposite feeling that, I don’t even care enough to make an effort because I know whatever I miss won’t be that important.
I am happy that I’ve gotten over the necessity to attend events just to say I was there, but I feel like in doing so, I’ve lost a lot of my own personal enjoyment of the events in general. I was very motivated by experiential things. I have been lucky enough to attend some amazing concerts. Once in a lifetime performances that I will never forget. But as I age, I feel like the odds of seeing new things that will overtake the memories of the things I’ve seen, are extremely slim.
I’ve reached a point in life where I want to create memories with my partner. I want to be the curator of our own experiences. To explore new places however we want and to physically be in the moment for as long as we want to be. Not just a two to three hour event, curated by other people, that I have paid an admission fee to attend. That’s not to say that I won’t enjoy going to see shows from my favorite bands or obscure acts when they come to town. It’s just not something I’m comfortable basing my entire identity around anymore.
Being guided through these experiences as a youth is great, but it’s truly important to learn how to steer your own ship. I think I’m ready to be captain.